Written by: Amy Bagwell
After a sweet, toddling girl joined our family by a bit of surprise, we started learning on the go! Looking back on our experience, here are some practical tips to know before adopting a toddler.
Learn as much about them as you can before they join your family, in hopes that it will ease the transition. Here are a few example questions to ask:
What type of food does she love?
Does she have a favorite show, movie, or character?
What does a typical day look like for her, does she have a routine, bed time, etc.?
Does she have any food allergies or intolerances, medical history we should be aware of?
2. Be prepared to co-sleep. Every child is different and will require different sleeping setups, but co-sleeping in the early days of our family was crucial for our daughter to bond with us and gain comfort in our home. Stress can present itself in some toddlers throughout the night, that was true in our case, so being a nearby source of comfort was critical as she learned to trust us.
3. Do your best to find a pediatrician who understands adoption. Our pediatrician is an adoptive, foster, and biological parent. I am beyond thankful for his level of understanding of not only our daughters physical and emotional development as a toddler, but as a child who has recently joined a new family and undergone quite the change.
4. Educate yourself on toddler adoption and trauma. Talk with people who have been where you are. If you don’t know them in real life, find them online! Join the conversation on platforms like @adoptwell, read what others have written and ask questions. Read The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis and watch her YouTube video on the Introduction of TBRI(trust based relational intervention). Those were two of the most helpful resources for us. You may not know what a child has experienced, but the sheer act of joining a new family is jarring. It would be better to be over prepared on the front-end than to look back years later and recognize characteristics stemming from trauma in retrospect.
5. Get to know your child, then make decisions. When our daughter first joined our family, we practiced cocooning. Most things I read strongly recommended this technique when adopting a toddler to promote bonding and attachment. After a week or so, she and I both began to go a little stir crazy. One morning I decided to take her to Target, and she came ALIVE. She was beyond happy, she waved at everyone and was talking a million miles a minute. I realized that while it was important for her to develop comfort and security in our home and family, the girl also needed to get out and adventure. That’s not true for everyone, and it’s not what most books recommend, but for her and what she was accustomed to before joining our family, Target made for an easier transition. So yes, listen to counsel from people much wiser than myself, but at the end of the day, listen to your child.
And for bonus points - stay connected to your community. When a toddler joins your family, it is wonderful and it is hard! Take advantage of free meals, an hour of alone time, or play dates. Let people love you.
